Breakdown
by WisdomsOtherDaughter
Summary: Hannah Copperfield, former member of the Third Cohort, and now a Praetor of the Twelfth Legion, has always had a lot of expectations on her shoulders, and as a Praetor she is always expected to be composed, but no one can keep it together all the time... A quick oneshot based on "The Darrow Legacy"


_**Disclaimer: **_ I do not own the characters in this story. Some of them either I or other fans have created, and I have their permissions to use them. Though there are no canon characters mentioned in this story, all Percy Jackson characters and settings belong to Rick Riordan

_"My Dad always told me to go with my gut instinct," Katrina had said, though she'd quick caught herself. "Poor choice of words, sorry."_

_"No, it's okay," I'd replied quietly, though it had taken me a moment to continue. "My parents knew the risks when they tagged along with the detachment." The words had felt like acid leaving my mouth, but it was true. Jack and Abbey Copperfield had been the bravest people I had ever known. It wasn't just because they were my parents, either. They'd gone through so much in their time in the Legion, and even when my dad had been Praetor for a few years, he'd still constantly had my mom at his side, helping him out. So when they'd left with the detachment, I'd had to admit to myself that there was a possibility they might not come back, but at the time, it hadn't seemed like something to worry about. They had always been there for me; whenever I needed them. They were my backbone, and I'd always been able to count on them. They would come back for me, just like always, right? _

_I'd told myself that over and over in the days that the detachment had been gone. Night after night, I'd lied in bed, wide awake, telling myself over and over that they would come back. They had to. They were soldiers, and they would fight through Tartarus and back to come home._

_But I guess I'd been wrong._

_Shaking myself out of my thoughts, I turned my attention back to Katrina, violently blinking back the tears that stung behind my eyes. I would _**not**_ cry. I was a Praetor. I had learned to keep my composure twenty-four-seven. I would _**not**_ lose it right now. And I most definitely would _**not**___cry in front of Katrina Darrow. Returning my thoughts to the topic at hand, I'd asked, "But what about you?"_

_She'd looked confused for a moment. __"What about me?"_

_"Do you have feelings for anyone?" I'd clarified, still keeping my emotions under a tight lockdown._

_"I haven't given it much thought," Katrina had admitted quietly. "I'm too much of tomboy for other guys to like me. Plus, I'm told I can get very annoying at times."_

_"Well, you may be right about both of you things, but no one, really?" I'd asked, teasing her a little. She seemed to be fairly deep in thought on the matter. But when she'd appeared to be coming to no clear answer, I'd offered, "What about Howard? He mentions you from time to time." Katrina arched an eyebrow at that, causing me to smile slightly. Howard Amos, my fellow Praetor and I were fairly close friends. It couldn't be helped, really. We'd been working together for a few years now, and Praetors, even before us, had sometimes even gotten….involved, with one another. There was never going to be anything romantic between Howard and I, obviously, but there was no denying that we were close._

_ Watching Katrina's reaction closely, I waited for her to respond. "Howard and I have known each other for a long time," She'd stated plainly, her expression telling me that she was being careful about what she said. She paused for only a second, before continuing. "But like I said, I haven't given it much thought."_

_"Fair enough," I'd said, letting out a tired sigh. "You should probably give it a rest. We can assess the damage tomorrow."_

_"Alright," She'd responded, making her way towards the stairs before pausing and turning back to face me. "Oh, and Hannah... "_

_"Yes?" I asked curiously._

_"Thanks," She said. I couldn't help but smile back at her. On any other day, that smile would've meant that I was planning something devious for her, but not today. Today, we were allies. We were friends. And I think the friendship we made today was going to last for a while._

I sighed as I thought of the events that had happened earlier in the day, and as I arrived in my quarters, after stripping off my armor and hanging it in its usual place, a feeling of complete _numbness_ settled over me. I flopped down onto my bed, still wearing my camp T-shirt and a pair of jeans, and was asleep within the minute.

The days following were focused on restoring order to the city. The Senatorial Guard had been working for more than 48 hours before they got any rest, and I'd commended each of them with a ribbon for their tireless service to the Legion and to the city. Cain Alvarez was released from custody, and no one questioned it. I knew that he was innocent, and was able to let him walk free after a little use of the Praetor-powers. He was also made Centurion of the Fourth Cohort later on, after the betrayal of the Coll brothers. And though New Rome was celebrating their success so far, I went through it all, still feeling numb. Numb, and yet cold. Empty.

And then one day, as I'd been sitting in my office, mindlessly poking holes into a piece of paper with a pin, there was an urgent pounding on my door which shook me from my thoughts. Rushing to the door and pulling it open, I was greeted by a son of Mercury with a look of pure… Not quite excitement, but also not distress, on his face. He was out of breath and, as he panted in my doorframe, he managed to say, "They're…..They're back."

I froze. _They're back. They're back! They made it!_ "Thank you, I'll be there right away." The son of Mercury nodded, and ran back to the crowd that was gathering at the Pomeranian Line. I quickly closed the door again and dressed in my Praetor's robes and hurrying to where the entire camp was gathering. The whole way there, I couldn't help but think, _What if Katrina was wrong? What if Mom and Dad did make it back?_ I knew it was a hopeless thought, and that I was only setting myself up to be hurt further, but I couldn't help it. They _had _to be alive. They just had to be.

When I arrived at the Pomeranian Line, the crowds of Legionnaires were ever expanding, family members rushing to see their loved ones home at last. A Legionnaire from somewhere in the crowd shouted, "They're back!" and the Legion erupted into cheers, but they quieted down abruptly when they saw the approaching detachment party. The once uniform detachment that marched out so many days ago had returned, although it was missing more than half its numbers now, and those who had returned looked barely alive as they dragged one foot in front of the other. Their Imperial Gold armor was now barely yellow with all the mud, dirt… and blood that covered it. Others were wrapped in bloodied bandages. One soldier in particular needed help walking, because his face, nose to the ground, was wrapped in now red bandages. The Legion had fallen silent, and I could hear someone say quietly, "They're…back?"

I desperately scanned the crowd, looking for any familiar faces. My parents, Howard… and then I realized who the bandaged soldier was. "Scott!" I shouted, leaving all of my collection behind as I ran up to the wounded auger. I gently held his face in my hands, looking over his wounds. He was pretty beat up, but nonetheless, relief flooded my chest, and I couldn't help but kiss the unconscious boy in front of me. As his eyes fluttered open, I couldn't help but grin at him, still holding his face gently. "Hi there." I said quietly.

The two Legionnaires supporting Scott helped him over to a bench so he could sit for a bit and recover, and I resumed scanning the crowds, searching now for my parents… Howard… or _someone_. As the returning Legionnaires continued to trudge tiredly into New Rome, I kept track mentally of those I could see. Scott was sitting on a bench with his little sister, Cindy, Wyatt Ward; Scott's cousin, Chiron, Cameron Smith and Lily Rhiley were helping the younger Greek campers along, Javier and Ashley Beas, Joshua and Abigail Masterson…. My eyes drifted over to Brynn Wood, who was also desperately searching the crowd for her little brother.

But she didn't find him. Andrew Wood, who'd only been 14, was dead. I saw Scott get to his feet to go console Brynn, and saw her break into violent sobs when Scott told her. I wanted to go over and comfort her as well, but I had to keep looking. They were there; they had to be.

But…. Still no sign of Howard or my parents. My heart filled with worry once more. Katrina _couldn't _be right about that. No. I couldn't accept it. I swept through the crowds, searching the faces desperately. No, they _had _to be there! They _couldn't _be dead. They…Maybe they just fell behind….Maybe…._No_. I ran my hands through my hair in despair, fighting tooth and nail to keep my composure. Tears were burning behind my eyes, but I had to keep it under control. Now was when the people of New Rome needed me to be composed the most. I had to show them all that it would be okay. We would be okay.

As I released my grip on my hair, I could hear a voice from further into the crowd crying out, "Where's my brother?! Where's Jake?! Where is he?! Jake!" _Katrina._ I walked solemnly towards her, but also kept my distance. I knew she would need her space right now. A Legionnaire stood next to her, trying to calm her down, but Katrina desperately kept searching, calling out, "Jake, you can come out now! You got me! Jake?" I wanted nothing more than to go and comfort her, but our newfound friendship was shaky enough as it was, and honestly, I didn't know what I could do to help her. I was still fighting to keep myself under control.

I could hear the Legionnaire next to Katrina continue her attempts to comfort her, saying, "Katrina, I'm sorry," I could see the pure anguish on Katrina's face as the realization started to set in. "Katrina, they took Jake."

_Oh gods. Katrina, I'm so sorry._ I couldn't even imagine how she felt now. To know that your loved one was dead was one thing, but to know that they had been taken, and have no idea what could be happening to them now…. _Gods! _I just felt so_…useless! I was a Praetor, for gods' sakes! I was supposed to be able to help with these things! _Katrina kept calling out for her brother, and when the girl next to her tried to stop her, she shoved her in a blind scramble, only resulting in falling over herself. It was then that I rushed over to her, giving a look to the other Legionnaire telling her to give Katrina some space, and pulled the desperate girl to her feet. As soon as she was steady, she buried her face in my toga. Her sobs shook both of us, and it took all of my willpower and control to keep from bursting into tears with her. All I could do was just hold her close and let her cry.

The Senate meeting following their return passed in a blur to me. I knew that I should pay closer attention, and I gave my input every now and then, but I couldn't focus. The numbness was affecting my brain now, and it was difficult to form a coherent thought. The Greeks retold their part of the story, and the remaining members of the detachment party did the same with theirs. The only mention of my parents was the fact that the Coll twins had betrayed and stabbed them in the back, more literally than I was comfortable with.

I could still only half focus during the remainder of the Senate meeting, but when Scott stood up to say something, I tried to tune myself back in.

"There is also one other matter…" He began, stepping forward. He walked to the front and center part of the room and pulled something out of his pocket. It was something wrapped up, so Scott took a while to unwrap it. But the look on his face told us -both the Senate and the Greeks- everything. _Oh gods…No. _ "This is the finger of Howard Amos." Scott said, clearly struggling to say the words. _No… _"I saw him fall in battle. Our Praetor… is dead."

_No! No no no no! _I wanted to scream. I wanted to stand up and run from the room, lock myself in my office and cry until my tears were dry, but I had to remain in my seat. I had to keep a stone wall over my emotions - had to stay professional at all times. Biting my tongue to keep back the tears that would not go away, I kept my face as blank as possible as Scott continued. "Tradition states that the line of succession must continue." And he was right. A single Praetor wasn't really allowed. The job was a team effort on all accounts. And even if I _were_ to take on the position on my own, I would appear to be an overambitious tyrant, and would probably be killed. "We, the Senate, have to decide on who will become Praetor."

My mouth was completely dry. I couldn't speak, but the Senate room was looking to me to say something, and so I cleared my throat, standing from my seat to speak. "You're right." I began quietly, regaining my voice and making a decision I would never have even considered a week ago. Looking over the people in the room, my eyes settled on Katrina. I could see her eyes widen in shock from where I stood, but I continued anyway. "Will you join me?" I asked Katrina sincerely. "I could use a woman of action like yourself by my side.

All eyes in the room went to Katrina, and I could see the conflict clear on her face. This was a huge decision to be suddenly expected to make, and I almost felt bad for asking her, but I'd meant what I said. Katrina would be a good partner to have. But I have to admit that her answer surprised me.

"I can't be Praetor." A sudden gasp followed her reply, and the people in the room started to mutter among themselves. "Scott, why can't you be Praetor?" Katrina suggested, "You're a good leader."

"I'm an augur and already an officer," Scott explained. "It would be questionable if I became Praetor, especially since Howard and I were good friends." A sting of pain went through my chest at Howard's name. "It can't be me."

"Then what about Daniel or Cain?" Katrina suggested, "Or Joanna or Gwen, or Jade? Somebody that isn't me."

"I don't think we're allowed to have Greco-Roman Praetors," The Legionnaire who must have been Daniel said. "And the only time we had a Greek for Praetor was under special circumstances. And it wasn't a vote. It was a unanimous nomination after a battle. So it can't be us hybrids."

"And I just got out of jail," Cain said. "As much as I want to _el jefe,_ I can't."

"Well then I refuse," Katrina finally. "I'm allowed to refuse a nomination, so there. Just have an election or something."

"Well, we can't force you to become Praetor," I finished with a sigh. "So we won't. We'll begin the election process tomorrow."

Tomorrow night there would be a massive funeral pyre for those we had lost, both Greek and Roman, but for now, as soon as the Senate meeting was dismissed, I returned to my quarters, tearing off my Praetor's robes and tossing them on my desk, not caring that I missed and they fell on the floor. I ran my hands through my hair once again, the tears that I had been supressing for days now finally rising up all at once now that I was alone. There was no one I had to stay composed for now. I could let it go.

As soon as I released my stone-hard control, a loud sob shook through my chest, and my knees gave out from under me. I ended up kneeling on the floor, my face buried in my hands, as the sobs shook me harder and harder. I couldn't even form a full thought- couldn't even keep track of the bits and pieces that were passing through my mind. There was just a feeling of complete _desperation. _

They were dead. Howard….my parents…gods knew how many Legionnaires we'd lost… all these people I knew and loved….people I should have _protected._ I slammed my fist against the floor. They were _my _responsibility! They looked to _me _to do the right thing! And now they were dead…

And my parents… Another sob shook my chest as I pictured their faces. My mother and her beautiful grey eyes, my dad and his blue that had been passed on to me. I'd never see them smiling at me ever again. My father and his cheesy jokes…my mom's advice that would always solve the problem… the days we'd go to the Fields of Mars and train together… our trips to the lake on my days off… They'd never be there to celebrate another successful wargame with me… I'd never be able to rant to them about how boring the Senate meetings got sometimes… They wouldn't be there when my time as Praetor was up…when I could retire… when I got married, had kids of my own…. _It wasn't fair!_

The sobs continued and I lowered myself down almost into a ball, putting my forehead on the floor and hitting the hard wood with my hand over and over, taking out all of my frustration, all of my guilt, every bit of anger and sadness out onto the dark floorboards, as if they would just absorb it all up…just take it away from me so I wouldn't have to feel it anymore. Somewhere in my mess of a mind- I knew it was stupid, but I couldn't help it- I felt that all of the losses we'd suffered today, every young life that would never get to be lived out, and everyone here who would never get to see their loved one again…I couldn't help but feel that it was _my _fault. If I'd just been able to come up with a better plan…. Maybe I could have saved all these people… maybe I'd have been able to see my parents tomorrow... Maybe I wouldn't be in this office alone right now.

I wanted to get up and scream, I wanted to cuss and hit something and get angry at the gods for doing this to me, to completely tear the office apart, but I could tell that my legs wouldn't hold me if I tried to stand. For now I just stayed curled up in my little ball, face to the floor, letting the sobs completely tear through me.

It must have been what felt like hours later when the shakes finally slowed, and even a while after that before I could work up the effort to get back to my feet. Raising myself back into a kneeling position, I wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand and looked around the empty room. That numb feeling was back again. Now that all of my tears had been cried out, I felt as if I had nothing left. I was just… a shell.

Slowly getting to my feet, using the desk for support and almost stumbling for a moment, when I was steady, I walked slowly to the far wall of the room. There was a mirror on the wall there, and taped to it were pictures that had been taken over the past few years. I smiled slightly as I saw the familiar faces in the photos, and gently rose up a hand, touching them as if I would actually be able to feel them there. There was a photo of my parents and I, me smiling like a fool and wearing my brand new Praetor's robes, and my parents just smiling proudly down at me. I almost laughed as the tears started streaming again, though silently this time. That picture had been taken the day I'd been elected, and I'd just been so absolutely ecstatic about the position. I'd had no idea how hard it would actually be. Sure, I still loved my job, but there were times when I wished that I could just go back to being a normal camper, without everyone looking to me to always do the right thing. The expectations were hard to handle sometimes - especially with our veteran Senate members looking at me like I was nothing but a little girl trying to tag along with the adults.

Underneath that photo was a picture of Howard and I. This one had been taken on the day of the election as well, and so he and I hadn't known each other very well. We stood next to each other in the photo; both of us in our Praetor robes, smiling as if neither of us had a care in the world. I smiled to myself again, remembering that day. In my time as Praetor, I'd changed so much from the girl in the photo.

And another picture; this one of myself, Scott, Cain Alvarez, and Brynn and Andrew Wood. It had been taken at last year's Saturnalia celebrations. This time, as I pulled the picture off of the mirror, an audible laugh escaped my mouth. That celebration had been absolutely amazing. There had been brilliant fireworks, thanks to the Vulcan kids, amazing food, and Scott, Cain, Brynn and I had gotten so much closer on that day. I couldn't even remember all that we'd done, really, but I'm pretty sure some of it involved pulling a massive prank on the Third Cohort. I was almost grinning at the memory, and so I was surprised when a single teardrop fell onto the photo…right onto Andrew.

I was suddenly forced to remember that he was dead, and the smile disappeared from my face. I had to go talk to Brynn tomorrow, before the funeral pyre. She had to know that I was there for her. This was something that she couldn't go through alone, I knew that much because I wasn't handling it so well myself. And maybe she'd be there for me as well. We'd help each other through it.

I had friends here, I knew that. But I couldn't understand why I was so worried about sharing my problems with them. I helped them when I could, but when it came to needing help myself, I always tried to go through it alone. I guess I'd just gotten too used to keeping my composure all the time. As a praetor, I guess you were just expected to be able to deal with anything on your own. A leader shouldn't need help from the people they were leading, right?

I wiped my tears with the back of my hand once more, taking a deep breath. I needed some air.

Looking in the mirror where all the photos were hung, I stared at the girl who stared back at me. Red, puffy eyes from crying, hair tangled and all over the place, the exact opposite of how a Praetor should look. I quickly grabbed a hairbrush from my desk, and paused when I passed Howard's desk.

It was still covered in paperwork, left in place as if Howard were going to walk in the door at any second, scold me for invading his desk area, which had always been an off-limits to me, and then get right back to work. But I knew that wasn't going to happen. He was gone, and there was no way to bring him back. I had to realize that. I had to make myself realize that and move past it. But that thought that in a few weeks, there would be someone else sitting in that desk, doing Howard's work for him…

I shook my head and went back to the mirror, running the brush through my hair that I had always been told was just like my mom's. Taking a few deep breaths, I tried to pull my now-fragile composure back together. I had to put on the mask of the Praetor once more. It was very rarely that I was able to be just me- Just Hannah. I was almost always referred to as "Madame Praetor" or "Praetor Hannah" or some other title like that. There were only a few people actually called me just my name. Sure, it was a sign of respect or something, but still. There were times when I wanted to just be normal.

And the closest I could get to that was in New Rome. I could just walk around, get a coffee or something, do some shopping, whatever I felt like doing. I could just leave the responsibilities of the position behind for a few hours.

I felt like that would do me some good right now, and so after I'd fixed my tangled hair, pulled it up into a messy ponytail, rubbed at my eyes a little, trying to reduce the redness, I walked to the door, my Praetor's robes still on the floor, my composure once more intact, and a feeling of numbness once more settling over me. I took one more look at the office behind me, Howard's desk, all his personal belongings left exactly where he'd put them, expecting to use them again, the photos on the mirror and the wall, my robes on the floor- they would all still be there when I got back. I'd have more time to mourn later, but I wouldn't allow myself to lose it like that again. I had to stay composed for the people of Camp Jupiter. They needed me to be put-together when they were falling apart. And I would do that. But for now, I just needed to take a walk. Maybe I'd even find Brynn along the way.

As I pulled the door of the office closed behind me, trying to keep my mind as blank as possible so I wouldn't burst into tears in front of some poor kid on the Forum, I kept focused on my composure. I still had a camp that needed me.


End file.
